A Life Less Ordinary
Well it looks like it’s back to the waffle again. Just another uneventful day here yesterday on Terra Nova. I’m not even sure if this is normal to be honest, does everyone just do the same thing day in day out ad nauseam, oh for something to happen out of the ordinary. The unbearable lightness of being right enough.
I was thinking earlier that even after 106 days I still cannot say for absolute certainty that I feel better for the alcohol and cannabis cessation, how crazy is that. I know I am functioning better but only because I am logging the data. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m doing the right thing and it’s more an observation more than anything else. But I would love to just be able to say “Oh my god, what a difference, I feel like a different person” but I don’t, I just feel like me, but with the fun removed
The Ballad Of Fun Bobby.
I’m reminded of that episode of friends where the gang had noticed that Fun Bobby always seemed to have a drink in his hand. One of the references made in the show was that he would always add a shot of whiskey into his coffee by suggesting he made it a little “Irish” (hence the way I am spelling whisky). Monica then said to him that he appeared to be making a lot of things “Irish”.
Anyway the character duly stops and the next time you see him in the show he’s the dullest guy around, that’s how I feel, like fun Bobby minus the fun. I am fairly sure that this will change as time goes on but what if it doesn’t? What if I have been right all along? That’ll be a turn up for the books wont it, I finish the project and go do you know what, that was a cool little experiment, pass me the papers and a tinnie please.
Many A True Word
I am of course using my dry wit to point out the irony of it all, but there is a small part of me having a laugh to myself. You do always wonder though, you see those guys on social media looking all serious and giving it the “well it wasn’t easy but it was worth it” through gritted teeth. I’m more concerned about the folks that are saying “well it isn’t easy but it’s worth it”, using the present tense because I swear, if at the end of six months I still feel like this, I’ll be leaping of this scaffold tout de suite I can tell you.
I am however assured by the AI scaffold that this too shall pass and all will be well. I’m currently in another Dopamine Drought - a phase where the brain has forgotten how to manufacture its own joy which explains why so many people have long given up. I had always said to myself if I could just stop for six months everything would be different, and that was long before I actually did finally stop, probably years ago now so there’s plenty of time to go.
Bland On The Run
I’ll just keep eating the cheese, white knuckling the hard bits and sitting out the empty headed days until eventually I do finally say “hey I feel great, I’m glad I stuck it out, I’m a different person”. Let’s hope it’s sooner rather than later but if it doesn’t happen then all I can say is hats of to the rest of you for being able to cope with the utter mundaneness of life, it’s not for me.
Told you it was back to the waffle, and please don’t take this Dispatch the wrong way, I’m just viewing it from all angles and it’s merely observational. It’s my duty to be as honest as I can be, to myself as well as to the readers of the project. I can then look back and say no way look at that, day 106 I was still doubting things, and other cessationists can take heart that it’s not just them.
That there’s been a path cleared through the rough patches of ground already, and that the destination is just a little further…hopefully.
If not there’s always cheese.
#cannabiswithdrawal #PAWS #neuroplasticity #cognitiverepair #recoveryjourney