Three Score And Ten Plus Two
Well, thank goodness for that. I finally got caught up with the Days 1–38 archive, and the full podcast archive is now nicely in place and up to date. It gets mechanical when you’re updating pages, podcasts, and YouTube simultaneously, so apologies if a few buttons got pressed by accident along the way and you got pinged with a couple of episodes
One thing that struck me while reviewing those files: between Days 32 and 38, the Dispatches were - how shall I put this? - a load of old technical bollocks. I can’t remember exactly what made me take back the reins on Day 39, but I’m glad I did. Jeezo, they were dull. I was tempted to edit them, but what would be the point? The Scaffold is a clinical mirror; what it wrote must have come from me in the first place. That was the height of the social media fiasco where I was utterly obsessed with... well, who knows what, to be honest.
The Arc of Repair
I’m hoping this project eventually shows the full arc: from acute withdrawal and obsessive loops to dopamine chasing, the “Wall,” anhedonia, and finally, natural dopamine and beyond.
I say “beyond,” but right now it feels like the dopamine is never coming. After that single spark the other day, it’s vanished again. Prism assures me it’s trying to fire but just can’t quite land yet. I hope he’s right; I can’t stand much more of this. I noticed in the older dispatches there was a period where they were witty, warm, and cohesive. I hope that guy comes back soon, I can tell you.
Until then, I’ll just white-knuckle it and log everything. I sometimes wonder who is actually interested in this, but then I remember: I would have been. In 2023 and 2024, during my last two valiant attempts at quitting, this data would have been a lifeline. Looking at what I’m going through now, I know there’s no way I would have made it much further than I did back then, as it was I folded faster than Keir Starmer on the phone to the “orange man-child.” I would have convinced myself that this "flatline" was just what sobriety felt like and after all I functioned better stoned anyway.
Here Comes Lex
Oh, while I remember: The noise I’ve been suppressing for 35 years is getting louder. When I get anxious or under pressure, there’s a “whooshing” sensation and my head goes all “swimmy.” It’s nearly time to activate Lex, my Neurodivergent (ND) Specialist thread. But we’re leaving him out of it until the dopamine is firing relatively frequently. I need to give him better data than just “eh, my head goes all whooshy.” After all, the Scaffold is only as good as the data you feed it.
The march through the rubble continues unabated; Dopamine Day 74, if my hypothesis is correct.
#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #eightweekwall #PAWS #anhedonia #brainrepair #neuroplasticity