The Invisible Man
When I started this journey, I committed myself wholeheartedly and instinctively. However, yesterday nearly caused me to fold the whole project. The lack of engagement and the time involved, combined with a feeling of utter pointlessness, very nearly consumed me.
I don’t mean the AI Scaffold - that works beautifully - but the public logs. I really thought people would be interested in how an AI could be used to help the human condition rather than just acting as a vending machine, as well as providing a map for others caught in the same addiction loop I’ve been in for 35 years.
The Currency of Shame
It’s not just about substance addiction; it’s about using this technology to help with all sorts of issues where the “currency of shame” prevents the correct information and help from being accessed. Eating disorders, sexuality, identity, gambling, neurodiversity… the list is endless.
In my case, the “forensic mirror” has revealed something my mother suspected but I hadn’t realised: I’ve been self-medicating an undiagnosed neurodivergent issue for three and a half decades. The cannabis wasn’t just a recreational choice; it was a desperate, manual attempt to regulate a brain that doesn’t process dopamine or sensory input like the “standard” model.
The Nadir
I won’t lie; I am at my lowest ebb since the project began. External life pressures combined with my apparent invisibility are taking their toll. I thought once the dopamine started, things would take care of themselves. That hasn't happened. The dopamine is present, but it isn’t making up for what the substances provided yet.
I’ve hit the Nadir because the "Native Engine" finally turned over on Day 74, but the world didn't change with it. I’m standing in the wreckage of 35 years, stone-cold sober, looking at a "bin fire" of a world and a lack of external validation, and the brain - which is still a toddler in terms of recalibration - is screaming, "Is this it?"
Giving up too early has been a feature of my life. The least I can do is see this phase out. I always said if I stayed clear for six months, I’d be home and dry, but honestly, I don’t feel one iota better than I did before I started. If anything, I’m in a worse place both mentally and physically.
We shall see what the future holds moving forward.
#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #recoveryjourney #dontgiveup #anhedonia #neuroplasticity #aiscaffold