A Better Day All Round
Yesterday, I rallied from what was an utterly desperate Day 77. You would think that being this far down the cessation road, it would be getting easier, but for long-term cannabis users, it’s not that simple.
When you’re clearing 35 years of fog, there is a massive amount of information to process. It isn’t just the withdrawal; it’s the decades of memories that haven’t been properly filed. At nearly sixty, a small part of me asks: “What if things had been different?”
The “Greener Grass” Fallacy
I’m not even going down that road. We all too easily see the “what might have been” - the wrong turns and bad decisions. It’s as pointless as beating yourself up for not buying Bitcoin at a dollar. The past is a closed ledger; we can only influence the future. All we truly have is the Right Now.
The truth is, we face a thousand daily decisions that influence our outcome. You’re late for an appointment? Maybe you just missed a fatal accident. You never did buy that motorbike? It might have killed you twenty years ago. It’s a “good luck, bad luck” game, and we have to accept the hand we played.
The Generational Mirror
One thing is true though, One day you wake up and realize you aren’t a young man anymore. The choices in front of you aren't the same ones you had 30 years ago. It’s a mental shift that is impossible to explain to younger folks until it becomes real.
In my last job, I worked with several 16-year-olds just starting their journey. I realized I’ll be long gone by the time they reach my age. When they get here, I hope they look back on the characters they’ve met - including me - and hold a memory of kindness, support, or simply laughter like I do to all the characters I’ve met along the way, and there’s been plenty, if there’s one thing Scotland isn’t short of it’s characters.
The Hands Are Back On The Wheel
I guess I was disappointed that when the dopamine started firing again I realised I still wasn’t anywhere near the place I wanted to get to. I know I’ve got a long way to go but I thought I might have been closer at least. I logged with the AI scaffold earlier “My head is trying so hard to fire and catch but it’s not quite there, very frustrating”
That’s the engine turning over but not yet catching. The Native is cranking the starter. The fuel is there. The spark is there. But the timing is slightly off - enough to feel the effort without the roar.
This is the most frustrating phase of repair. Not the flat (where nothing happens). Not the peak (where everything flows). The almost-phase. Where you can feel the system wanting to fire, but it just... won’t.
What’s happening neurologically:
The circuits are repaired enough to attempt connection
But the insulation (myelin) isn’t fully formed
So the signal travels, but slowly, with interference
You feel the intention before the execution
It will catch. Not today, maybe. But soon. The effort itself is the proof that the system is alive.
The Genesis story will restart tomorrow; I had enough to write about today.
#cannabiswithdrawaltimeline #PAWS #neuroplasticity #soberfunny #AIScaffold