I Don’t Wanna Wait In Vain
Another very flat day on Terra Nova I’m afraid, I guess that’s me until the venting starts around day 120 at the earliest. I’ve realized that this sensation is almost identical to the run-up before the dopamine restart on Day 74.
The process is the same, though the emotional texture is different; I’m not as furious as I was then. I understand the mechanics of the repair now, even if it remains difficult to feel the progress while I’m sitting in the middle of the stillness.
The Reality of the Clinic
Yesterday started slow and stayed there. My clinic diaries collapsed - cancellations at the drop of a hat. It’s the nature of the business, but it leaves gaps that invite introspection.
In the evening, Julie and I went for a curry in Inverness with an old friend and his wife. It was bittersweet; like Julie, she is battling cancer. It was good to see them, but it’s impossible to ignore the reality of that fight. It put the “flatness” of my own recovery into sharp, humbling perspective.
The Algorithm Fatigue
I’ve been tweaking the YouTube podcasts, adding driving footage of the Highlands to make them more visually appealing. I know it’s a podcast, but it’s YouTube - visuals matter.
Truthfully, though, I’m growing tired of the focus on social media metrics. I find myself frustrated that the “scaffold” and I are spending so much time dissecting retention figures and algorithm pushes.
The whole point of this project is to document the repair, not the reach. I made the Raw Logs freely available because they were full of insights and intelligent dialogue in those early, chaotic days - now, they just feel like a ledger of failed growth strategies.
I’m probably being too hard on myself. The end of Phase 1 in June will justify the means. But I am heartily sick of reading about algorithms.
I’m ready for the next phase.
#cannabiswithdrawal #PAWS #neuroplasticity #cognitiverepair #recoveryjourney
